I just read an interesting article about how to grow 300-bushel corn. Apparently in many places they are bored with growing 200-bushel corn and are now going for 300. One of the suggestions they came up with was getting yourself a “Pest Boss”. 

This is a person who goes out in the field every day and checks for pests. In this article, pests are defined as insects, weeds and disease. But if you ask me, a really good Pest Boss should go way beyond the usual everyday pests. A really good Pest Boss should also know how to deal with all those other pests in our lives.

RACCOONS: One of the rottenest pests, especially if you have sweet corn, is raccoons. Everybody knows that raccoons can destroy a plot of sweet corn faster than you can say “Jack Sprat.” A good Pest Boss would have a bunch of redneck buddies who love to hunt at night. He would call them up, turn them loose and BANG! Your raccoon problems would be over. Of course, you still might not have any sweet corn left…

JUMPING COWS: You know the ones – those ornery, athletic cows that like to jump the fence and hide in the neighbor’s corn or alfalfa. A good Pest Boss would keep fence stretchers, wire, staples and rope handy at all times. The stretchers, wire and staples would be used to fix fence. The rope would be used to hang the cow as an example to other cows of what will happen if they decide to start jumping. Sounds harsh, but a good Pest Boss has to be tough.

POLITICAL CALLERS: Even though it’s not even close to November and it’s just a mid-term election, I am already getting political calls. A good Pest Boss would take the time to get my name off their call lists. This alone would make them worth every penny. 

GMO HATERS: People who hate GMO’s without knowing much about them are some of the worst pests in the world. Even worse than raccoons in sweet corn, they can ruin an entire industry if left unchecked. A good Pest Boss would have fact cards printed up about the safety and efficiency of GMO’s. They would be able to speak eloquently and persuasively to inform and educate. They would get so animated and passionate about the great things GMO’s can do for the world, people would applaud when they finished speaking.

Sadly, not all Pest Bosses can do this. But that’s okay, because the solution for raccoons works equally well for GMO haters.

You see, a good Pest Boss could be worth his weight in gold. He could make your whole world better, just by concentrating on pests so you can concentrate on making a living. And just think, if your life was pest free you might be able to raise 400-bushel corn.